When Telling Isn’t Teaching: The Shift to Coach Mode

I know I’ve hit the red flashing “it’s time to coach” button when I find myself saying the same thing over and over again. It’s like Groundhog Day, but instead of waking up to Sonny and Cher, I’m repeating, “Have you followed up on that yet?” or “Remember what we said about prioritizing?” or “You can’t fix burnout with more coffee.” The words change slightly, the frustration doesn’t.

Because here’s the thing: people don’t need to be told what to do. They already know. They know how to plan better. They know how to say no. They know how to communicate clearly. What they don’t know—yet—is how to stop doing what they’ve always done. And that’s the kicker.

That’s where coaching comes in. Not management. Not lecturing. Not another email with bullet points and deadlines. Coaching. Because transformation isn’t about information. It’s about behavioral change—and that starts in the brain.

Why Telling Doesn’t Work

From a neurological standpoint, when you tell someone what to do, you’re engaging their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and logic. Great for facts. Not so great for change. Because behavior change? That lives in the limbic system—the emotional part of the brain.

You can give someone all the logic in the world, but if they’re wired to react with anxiety, overcommitment, or people-pleasing, they’ll keep choosing their well-worn neural pathways every time. Even when those pathways are clearly leading straight into a ditch.

The science backs this up: lasting behavior change requires new neural connections—and those form not through directives, but through self-discovery. Coaching activates curiosity, which engages the brain’s dopaminergic system, making people more open to new ideas, solutions, and—yes—habits.

Psilocybin does the same thing, by the way—but that’s just not in the cards for today.

So What Does Coaching Actually Do?

When you shift into coach mode, you stop being the source of the answer and start being the source of the question. That shift signals to the other person’s brain: You are capable. You have insight. You can solve this. That alone changes their internal posture. Instead of passive recipient, they become active participant.

Coaching also bypasses the threat response that kicks in when people feel judged or managed. (You know the look—the crossed arms, the checked-out stare, the polite “thanks” that means “you have no idea what I’m dealing with.”)

Instead, coaching creates psychological safety. The brain shifts out of fight-or-flight and into executive function. They start exploring, connecting, and owning their next step. Ownership is the difference between “I’ll try” and “I’m doing this.”

The Bottom Line

This isn’t just theory—it’s what I’m living right now.

I’m actively seeing this play out in my current work. I got caught (again) in the “just tell them more” trap. More instructions, more reminders, more hovering. And you know what? It didn’t work. Of course it didn’t. So I’m shifting—back into coach mode.

It’s slower. It requires patience. And I have to remind myself daily: progress takes time.

I’ve seen this work before. I once had a Director of Ops who reported to me—brilliant guy, deeply pragmatic—and he hated coaching. Like, physically recoiled when I talked about feelings. I think he was allergic to the phrase “let’s reflect.”

But a year later, out of nowhere, he said:“You really changed me. And I was as shocked as anyone... thanks.”

That’s why we coach. Not because it’s easy, but because it’s the only thing that actually works.

May you Live & LeadWell,

~E